The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
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Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
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I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
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