Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
