Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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