The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
