I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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