Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Randomize
