Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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