I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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