i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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