Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
