Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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