i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
