need another drink. this is the easiest way
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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