Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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