we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
