I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Dignity is for republicans.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
