I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
