Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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