I'm so fucking centered right now
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
