She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
