Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
