i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
