apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Shame is for Republicans.
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