Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
where are my eyebrows?
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