Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
