Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
