i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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