well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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