I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
