I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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