watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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