im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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