I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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