Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
