He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
