There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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