I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
