There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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