Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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