your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
