4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
