sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
