tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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