At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
