Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
is that a dick in a sweater?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
