if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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