M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
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You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
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I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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