if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I did not marry a roomba.
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