i don't like sucking hair
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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