I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
