you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
