I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
