I wish I only lived at night.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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