im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
