I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Randomize
