I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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